I feel you, and relate to most of your experience very strongly. Take the time and get in touch with the real moments- good instinct. I’m not finding any downside to pulling back from the internet. Thanks for your writing.
Thanks jep. It’s great to have this platform to share whatever stuff swirls around in my head, but it’s the supportive community that keeps me at it when it starts to feel like a slog or the doubts start chattering incessantly. I really appreciate your ‘Stack especially, the unflinching honesty and search for understanding, not to mention the killer music.
As someone whose year has also gone sideways, I love that you are slowing your pace and taking care of yourself. I look forward to reading everything you send, and I don’t mind waiting for your batteries to recharge.
Happy anniversary Steve! Sorry to hear your anxiety has returned. You sound incredibly self-aware about the sources of your anxiety and what you need to do to take care of Steve. It’s clear you’ve been here before and have experience in navigating through these challenges. As I’m sure you know, this too shall pass although it doesn’t always feel like it when we’re in it. So take care of yourself and we’ll see you when we see you!
Thanks, Mark! I appreciate your kind words. I do know that everything is impermanent and ebbs and flows. I can be quite stubborn and impatient though so I have to be constantly reminded of the temporary nature of life.
You are the best Steve. I really love when you pop up on Fridays Stackcalls. Happy anniversary! And I look forward to seeing you when you want me to. That Joe Jackson is sharp...
Thanks for this post - it came at exactly the right time for me. I started The Bus in April 2022 as a twice-weekly distraction to fill my time as I'd been made redundant from my vice principal job (that's a story itself) at a private school here in England. I was floundering about trying to find some direction and it quickly filled my headspace - and, in many ways, saved me. But in January I started a new job - no longer management, 'just' a classroom English teacher - and though it was difficult, I rode the momentum and maintained my twice-weekly posts. Circumstances have enabled me to not miss a single issue since starting - today saw the first issue of Volume 4 - but its taken (and taking) its toll: I don't/can't read anymore, I don't watch new films or finish series I've begun (I have no idea what's going on in Ozark, as I've not gotten past Season 1 - and I finished that before last Christmas), new music is only around for as long as I'm working on the next playlist and then - poof! - it's gone because it's on to the next one. I like it, don't get me wrong - I've got a great group of commenters, a healthy readership and the validation you get when people like what you're producing. But it's taxing. And while I'm planning on seeing out the next 50 issues without any change, come the end of Volume 4 there are going to have to be some made because it's just not sustainable. To read that you're experiencing your version of this was nothing less than affirming - but I'm sorry about the circumstances causing it.
And, Happy Anniversary! My Karen and I are celebrating our 19th at the end of October. Autumn weddings are great.
Bryan - I’m glad my words resonated with you. I didn’t realize you started The Bus as twice-weekly off the bat! How ambitious! I suppose wanting to process, explore and perhaps not face the struggles of unemployment are motivation enough to keep at a such a frenetic pace. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who cannot get through a TV show or movie or book without wanting to get back to the blog as “time is a-wasting!” Though I wish it wasn’t such a common side effect of our writerly ambitions. I think it’s smart of you to keep your posts as part of a “volume” or “season.” It allows for built in breaks where one can ostensibly recharge for the next volume. Maybe post some repeats in the meantime so that subscribers don’t forget about you. I’m gonna consider that seasonal approach myself.
Looks like you and your Karen and 11 month ahead of us! Yes, autumn weddings are great. In the Bay Area, September is viewed as peak summer, as it’s usually the hottest month, temperature-wise. Thanks for sharing your stories with me, here in the comments and with everyone in The Bus.
I recently read the book called “Chatter” by Ethan Kross. Imagine that. I actually got through most of it without too much chatter in my own head. There was a chapter about someone who has a condition where there exists no inner chatter. Fascinating!
Just added it to my “to read” list from the local library. I’m hoping my ability to read books again restores itself soon! Thanks for the recommendation.
You pretty much articulated everything that goes through my mind when I want to sit down and do something, but there’s way too much chatter in my head all the time!
That's the double-edged sword issue with the chatter. It can inspire writing up to a certain volume, and curtail it when above that level. I'm sorry you also experience that level of busy brain, but glad I could put words to it!
Happy anniversary to you!! We’ll all be here every time you’re back, no matter what. Take care of you and family first - the rest is going to take care of itself.
One of the best things about this platform is the human element. There are few productivity bros demanding we "create value" daily. But old habits die hard, and it's tough to feel like you can't keep up with it all. You're definitely not alone in that!
Take your time, do your thing. Write when you want. Don't when you don't. Most importantly, be kind to yourself, and an a$$hole to our mutual friend, anxiety.
Thanks Kevin. There are a few folks who keep appearing in my Notes feed that are annoying, and I don’t know how to not see their stuff, so I’m more or less not going on Notes for a while. Not just because of that. I’m “doing my thing” and also “doin’ my thang.” First stop: read a book from beginning to end within a week. I’m starting with Bittersweet: How Longing and Sorrow Make Us Whole. Some light reading.
We have a similar process. I usually just think of an album I want to write about, jot down a few one-liners about possible content, and then see where the writing takes me. I do have anxiety around this every week because I wonder if I'll find I have nothing to say and there won't be a post. That day will come, and I tell myself when it does it won't really matter (except it will matter to me).
Streaming - yes, I get what you mean. I have a long 'to listen' list and often end up listening to something not on the list at all. I'd love a library of physical media but, for various reasons, that ship has sailed for me.
I trained as a hypnotherapist, years ago, so I spent a lot of time dealing with people's anxieties as well as working on my own. And, years before that, I also spent nine years doing a couple of degrees online, writing highly academically structured essays to strict deadlines, so I both know I can do that and am wary of it. I'm currently enjoying being able to write what the hell I like about music and, as I said, thinking I should really be going deeper with analysis and theory. But - would anyone read that stuff? (Well, they might - there's a series of books in a series of books called '33 1/3' that I link to in my next post that are something like the writing I'm learning how to do).
"Know thyself," say the ancients, and it sounds like you've made much progress in that regard. One thing I've never done is promise how many posts I'll do in a week or month, which may be one thing that's sustained AnEarful for over a decade. With my podcast, I did make a promise to myself to do it once a month this year, and that's been manageable!
I am going through a similar patch myself. For the past 4-6 months, my stack focused on my treatments for cancer. The treatments ended in August, but the changes to my life, mind and body continue. Most recent posts have not been about cancer, and I note the readers have slacked off a bit.
Still there are many great comments ( yours included) that make my day.
As I write this comment, I am seeing the potential for extending the theme a bit for a longer piece on my stack )THIS IS NOT MUSIC! for those who read comments.)
Thanks, Dennis. I probably was one of those who slacked off, but not for anything related to your content. Your writing is tremendous. I have felt honored, grateful, and inspired by your words since I found your 'Stack. Your combination of playfulness, honesty, vulnerability, and poetry always makes me feel like I'm tapping into "the source."
If any of my readers don't know "This Is Not Music," I highly recommend you check it out!
Happy Wedding Anniversary and kudos to you Steve for affirming life by putting out there what it is to be human and a writer. It’s HARD! In my 20s I was a romance blogger who had (?) to document all of my dates (think SATC, the OG) and was basically using them for material. I found I couldn’t separate between my wants and needs and this creativity. I eventually met my partner and it all worked out. But then I also had the itch to document my experience as a young mom, etc and decided against it, mostly because I was working a full time job and also figuring out how to balance this with being a mom and oh yeah, a partner. I was hard on myself for “giving up” which was incredibly unkind when I look back.
Creativity is a wonderful force and knowing how to channel it is intoxicating and a power in and of itself. The reality is despite best intentions 😇 we sometimes have dryer writing periods because we have something else that requires the lion share of our mental and emotional energy. Just this week I was hard on myself for not being on schedule with my film teaching stuff (hit a wall) which In turn was delaying my film and tv reviews for BEVP. I started to panic a little and especially with Yom Kippur (today) and needing to transition to a new car which was time consuming. My Saturdays aren’t my own anymore with kids’ commitments... etc etc. Once I could accept that I took a breath and said, “Ok, moving on...”
Seems like you’re acknowledging gracefully all the adulting that’s taking your time and focus. We will all keep you supported as you find your way back to whatever cadence of posts you can contribute. Also, a special thanks for keeping the comments coming on BEVP. More so as I see how busy you are. I really enjoy getting to go back and forth on ideas.
Wow - thanks Beth. You hit the nail on the head in so much of what you say. Knowing how to channel creativity is indeed a constant challenge. Sometimes, letting it flow full blast is what is right; other times a slow trickle does the trick.
For me, so much of it is finding a way to stay present in whatever I'm doing. It's often easiest for me when writing, which is why I love it so much. Living life without the urge to turn it all into "content" is indeed challenging, especially since I write about life and try to pair it with content! Oy, the conundrums!
You said it best, “Living life without the urge to turn it all into content is challenging!” I guess it’s also a gift too because you are in a perma state of self reflection. You don’t need one day a year to do this.
I ended up going to services yesterday to do Yizkor for my mom and my mother-in-law and stay for the annual appeal/drive for funds. The rabbi’s dvar Torah was about loneliness and helping people and he mentioned some stats about how every 1/3 people is lonely. I suck at numbers recall so I may be getting this wrong but some stat that doesn’t shock me.
No, I self-reflect daily, whether I want to or not!:) I suppose I used part of yesterday to point my gaze outward, or backward, to aim my inner heart-camera to those who came before me. I listened to a couple of different livestreams of Yom Kippur services yesterday (one from NYC, the other from Pasadena, CA) while walking the dogs. As a mostly non-practicing Jew, I was amazed at how much of the Hebrew prayers and the songs came right back. I even fasted! Which, I do try and do every year, even if I don't ever go to temple.
Most of what you describe were the reasons why I hesitated for a long while before starting my Substack. Most of all, would it change my relationship to the music that means so much to me, and has got me through some tricky (to put it mildly) times in my life? Deadlines have always been a source of anxiety for me - still are - and yet my 'main' post goes out at 20:00 every Monday.
Why impose that on myself? Because, without a deadline, I'll post about once a year, having reflected, procrastinated, revised, edited, and allowed imposter syndrome to get the upper hand.
I probably don't use Notes or Chat on Substack as effectively as I could (I'm learning) so don't get the same anxiety from the social aspects here as I do from the twit. It's a source of strength for you that you were able to recognise when it was time to step back - and return, when the time is right, for another series of posts.
Thanks, Ian! Yeah, it feels wrong to blame Substack (or Notes) for my (temporarily) altered relationship to music. I put it squarely on the anxiety. Having taken a 13-day break from writing already restored a bit of the evaluative braining response.
Another aspect that I didn't go into, which contributes to this, is the too-easy availability of streaming music. I have physical media, but I rarely play my albums and CDs. I think returning to them will help as well.
For sure, deadlines are essential for consistency and keeping me honest and on schedule. I fully relate to what you say about that. Knowing that I was going to post on Tuesdays and Fridays (with a little wiggle room) gave my otherwise chaotic and free-form brain some structure and with that, something to grab onto.
So much of what inspires me when writing the newsletter occurs in the process. I rarely know what I'm going to write about until I start writing. And even then, it might not happen until I start editing. So procrastinating until the last minute disallows me from accessing the deeper stuff, which usually requires a pause after the first draft, especially for the more personal pieces. An inefficient process, and one I hope to streamline, but it has worked thus far.
Couple things about this one. First, write when you can write. Take the time to take care of yourself! As much as we love reading these things, that’s the most important thing.
Secondly, Joe Jackson is the bomb. I have a special place in my heart for him and his music. He and Elvis Costello were the first pop songwriter types that I gravitated towards after when I started to grow out of my initial 70s hard rock phase like deep purple etc, when I was a kid. I think I listened to the Look Sharp album about 100× one year. It was just a constant companion.
Thanks again, I will read these great posts when they arrive in my mailbox!
Thanks Peter for the kind words. Yeah, Joe Jackson and EC are both hugely influential to me. I was quite late to the Costello train, which I wrote about, but JJ I jumped on a bit earlier. It was Night and Day, and his videos on MTV that first got me. Then I went back and found his early LPs. I still play Look Sharp at least a dozen or more times a year. A constant companion for me as well. Still is. And tremendous live performer.
I feel you, and relate to most of your experience very strongly. Take the time and get in touch with the real moments- good instinct. I’m not finding any downside to pulling back from the internet. Thanks for your writing.
Thanks jep. It’s great to have this platform to share whatever stuff swirls around in my head, but it’s the supportive community that keeps me at it when it starts to feel like a slog or the doubts start chattering incessantly. I really appreciate your ‘Stack especially, the unflinching honesty and search for understanding, not to mention the killer music.
Wow, thanks man! Back at ya.
Happy anniversary!
As someone whose year has also gone sideways, I love that you are slowing your pace and taking care of yourself. I look forward to reading everything you send, and I don’t mind waiting for your batteries to recharge.
Happy anniversary Steve! Sorry to hear your anxiety has returned. You sound incredibly self-aware about the sources of your anxiety and what you need to do to take care of Steve. It’s clear you’ve been here before and have experience in navigating through these challenges. As I’m sure you know, this too shall pass although it doesn’t always feel like it when we’re in it. So take care of yourself and we’ll see you when we see you!
Thanks, Mark! I appreciate your kind words. I do know that everything is impermanent and ebbs and flows. I can be quite stubborn and impatient though so I have to be constantly reminded of the temporary nature of life.
You are the best Steve. I really love when you pop up on Fridays Stackcalls. Happy anniversary! And I look forward to seeing you when you want me to. That Joe Jackson is sharp...
I’m gonna try and make the Google
meet calls as often as possible, even if my posts slow down. Was bummed to miss it last week.
👍
Thanks for this post - it came at exactly the right time for me. I started The Bus in April 2022 as a twice-weekly distraction to fill my time as I'd been made redundant from my vice principal job (that's a story itself) at a private school here in England. I was floundering about trying to find some direction and it quickly filled my headspace - and, in many ways, saved me. But in January I started a new job - no longer management, 'just' a classroom English teacher - and though it was difficult, I rode the momentum and maintained my twice-weekly posts. Circumstances have enabled me to not miss a single issue since starting - today saw the first issue of Volume 4 - but its taken (and taking) its toll: I don't/can't read anymore, I don't watch new films or finish series I've begun (I have no idea what's going on in Ozark, as I've not gotten past Season 1 - and I finished that before last Christmas), new music is only around for as long as I'm working on the next playlist and then - poof! - it's gone because it's on to the next one. I like it, don't get me wrong - I've got a great group of commenters, a healthy readership and the validation you get when people like what you're producing. But it's taxing. And while I'm planning on seeing out the next 50 issues without any change, come the end of Volume 4 there are going to have to be some made because it's just not sustainable. To read that you're experiencing your version of this was nothing less than affirming - but I'm sorry about the circumstances causing it.
And, Happy Anniversary! My Karen and I are celebrating our 19th at the end of October. Autumn weddings are great.
Bryan - I’m glad my words resonated with you. I didn’t realize you started The Bus as twice-weekly off the bat! How ambitious! I suppose wanting to process, explore and perhaps not face the struggles of unemployment are motivation enough to keep at a such a frenetic pace. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who cannot get through a TV show or movie or book without wanting to get back to the blog as “time is a-wasting!” Though I wish it wasn’t such a common side effect of our writerly ambitions. I think it’s smart of you to keep your posts as part of a “volume” or “season.” It allows for built in breaks where one can ostensibly recharge for the next volume. Maybe post some repeats in the meantime so that subscribers don’t forget about you. I’m gonna consider that seasonal approach myself.
Looks like you and your Karen and 11 month ahead of us! Yes, autumn weddings are great. In the Bay Area, September is viewed as peak summer, as it’s usually the hottest month, temperature-wise. Thanks for sharing your stories with me, here in the comments and with everyone in The Bus.
I recently read the book called “Chatter” by Ethan Kross. Imagine that. I actually got through most of it without too much chatter in my own head. There was a chapter about someone who has a condition where there exists no inner chatter. Fascinating!
Just added it to my “to read” list from the local library. I’m hoping my ability to read books again restores itself soon! Thanks for the recommendation.
You pretty much articulated everything that goes through my mind when I want to sit down and do something, but there’s way too much chatter in my head all the time!
That's the double-edged sword issue with the chatter. It can inspire writing up to a certain volume, and curtail it when above that level. I'm sorry you also experience that level of busy brain, but glad I could put words to it!
Happy anniversary! Take your time, make sure you get some rest when you can, and don’t you worry, because we ain’t going anywhere!
If I can help with anything, even if it’s just someone to talk to, I’m here for you.
Good luck!!
Thanks Andres! I really appreciate your support and kind words. I am sure that listening to vinyl will be a huge help in reconnecting to the slowness.
Happy anniversary to you!! We’ll all be here every time you’re back, no matter what. Take care of you and family first - the rest is going to take care of itself.
Happy anniversary!
One of the best things about this platform is the human element. There are few productivity bros demanding we "create value" daily. But old habits die hard, and it's tough to feel like you can't keep up with it all. You're definitely not alone in that!
Take your time, do your thing. Write when you want. Don't when you don't. Most importantly, be kind to yourself, and an a$$hole to our mutual friend, anxiety.
Thanks Kevin. There are a few folks who keep appearing in my Notes feed that are annoying, and I don’t know how to not see their stuff, so I’m more or less not going on Notes for a while. Not just because of that. I’m “doing my thing” and also “doin’ my thang.” First stop: read a book from beginning to end within a week. I’m starting with Bittersweet: How Longing and Sorrow Make Us Whole. Some light reading.
We have a similar process. I usually just think of an album I want to write about, jot down a few one-liners about possible content, and then see where the writing takes me. I do have anxiety around this every week because I wonder if I'll find I have nothing to say and there won't be a post. That day will come, and I tell myself when it does it won't really matter (except it will matter to me).
Streaming - yes, I get what you mean. I have a long 'to listen' list and often end up listening to something not on the list at all. I'd love a library of physical media but, for various reasons, that ship has sailed for me.
I trained as a hypnotherapist, years ago, so I spent a lot of time dealing with people's anxieties as well as working on my own. And, years before that, I also spent nine years doing a couple of degrees online, writing highly academically structured essays to strict deadlines, so I both know I can do that and am wary of it. I'm currently enjoying being able to write what the hell I like about music and, as I said, thinking I should really be going deeper with analysis and theory. But - would anyone read that stuff? (Well, they might - there's a series of books in a series of books called '33 1/3' that I link to in my next post that are something like the writing I'm learning how to do).
Anyway, enough about that.
Look after yourself. Be well.
"Know thyself," say the ancients, and it sounds like you've made much progress in that regard. One thing I've never done is promise how many posts I'll do in a week or month, which may be one thing that's sustained AnEarful for over a decade. With my podcast, I did make a promise to myself to do it once a month this year, and that's been manageable!
I am going through a similar patch myself. For the past 4-6 months, my stack focused on my treatments for cancer. The treatments ended in August, but the changes to my life, mind and body continue. Most recent posts have not been about cancer, and I note the readers have slacked off a bit.
Still there are many great comments ( yours included) that make my day.
As I write this comment, I am seeing the potential for extending the theme a bit for a longer piece on my stack )THIS IS NOT MUSIC! for those who read comments.)
Thanks, Dennis. I probably was one of those who slacked off, but not for anything related to your content. Your writing is tremendous. I have felt honored, grateful, and inspired by your words since I found your 'Stack. Your combination of playfulness, honesty, vulnerability, and poetry always makes me feel like I'm tapping into "the source."
If any of my readers don't know "This Is Not Music," I highly recommend you check it out!
Happy Wedding Anniversary and kudos to you Steve for affirming life by putting out there what it is to be human and a writer. It’s HARD! In my 20s I was a romance blogger who had (?) to document all of my dates (think SATC, the OG) and was basically using them for material. I found I couldn’t separate between my wants and needs and this creativity. I eventually met my partner and it all worked out. But then I also had the itch to document my experience as a young mom, etc and decided against it, mostly because I was working a full time job and also figuring out how to balance this with being a mom and oh yeah, a partner. I was hard on myself for “giving up” which was incredibly unkind when I look back.
Creativity is a wonderful force and knowing how to channel it is intoxicating and a power in and of itself. The reality is despite best intentions 😇 we sometimes have dryer writing periods because we have something else that requires the lion share of our mental and emotional energy. Just this week I was hard on myself for not being on schedule with my film teaching stuff (hit a wall) which In turn was delaying my film and tv reviews for BEVP. I started to panic a little and especially with Yom Kippur (today) and needing to transition to a new car which was time consuming. My Saturdays aren’t my own anymore with kids’ commitments... etc etc. Once I could accept that I took a breath and said, “Ok, moving on...”
Seems like you’re acknowledging gracefully all the adulting that’s taking your time and focus. We will all keep you supported as you find your way back to whatever cadence of posts you can contribute. Also, a special thanks for keeping the comments coming on BEVP. More so as I see how busy you are. I really enjoy getting to go back and forth on ideas.
Take it easy,
Beth
Wow - thanks Beth. You hit the nail on the head in so much of what you say. Knowing how to channel creativity is indeed a constant challenge. Sometimes, letting it flow full blast is what is right; other times a slow trickle does the trick.
For me, so much of it is finding a way to stay present in whatever I'm doing. It's often easiest for me when writing, which is why I love it so much. Living life without the urge to turn it all into "content" is indeed challenging, especially since I write about life and try to pair it with content! Oy, the conundrums!
Chag sameach, and happy atonement!
You said it best, “Living life without the urge to turn it all into content is challenging!” I guess it’s also a gift too because you are in a perma state of self reflection. You don’t need one day a year to do this.
I ended up going to services yesterday to do Yizkor for my mom and my mother-in-law and stay for the annual appeal/drive for funds. The rabbi’s dvar Torah was about loneliness and helping people and he mentioned some stats about how every 1/3 people is lonely. I suck at numbers recall so I may be getting this wrong but some stat that doesn’t shock me.
No, I self-reflect daily, whether I want to or not!:) I suppose I used part of yesterday to point my gaze outward, or backward, to aim my inner heart-camera to those who came before me. I listened to a couple of different livestreams of Yom Kippur services yesterday (one from NYC, the other from Pasadena, CA) while walking the dogs. As a mostly non-practicing Jew, I was amazed at how much of the Hebrew prayers and the songs came right back. I even fasted! Which, I do try and do every year, even if I don't ever go to temple.
First of all, happy anniversary!
Most of what you describe were the reasons why I hesitated for a long while before starting my Substack. Most of all, would it change my relationship to the music that means so much to me, and has got me through some tricky (to put it mildly) times in my life? Deadlines have always been a source of anxiety for me - still are - and yet my 'main' post goes out at 20:00 every Monday.
Why impose that on myself? Because, without a deadline, I'll post about once a year, having reflected, procrastinated, revised, edited, and allowed imposter syndrome to get the upper hand.
I probably don't use Notes or Chat on Substack as effectively as I could (I'm learning) so don't get the same anxiety from the social aspects here as I do from the twit. It's a source of strength for you that you were able to recognise when it was time to step back - and return, when the time is right, for another series of posts.
Thanks, Ian! Yeah, it feels wrong to blame Substack (or Notes) for my (temporarily) altered relationship to music. I put it squarely on the anxiety. Having taken a 13-day break from writing already restored a bit of the evaluative braining response.
Another aspect that I didn't go into, which contributes to this, is the too-easy availability of streaming music. I have physical media, but I rarely play my albums and CDs. I think returning to them will help as well.
For sure, deadlines are essential for consistency and keeping me honest and on schedule. I fully relate to what you say about that. Knowing that I was going to post on Tuesdays and Fridays (with a little wiggle room) gave my otherwise chaotic and free-form brain some structure and with that, something to grab onto.
So much of what inspires me when writing the newsletter occurs in the process. I rarely know what I'm going to write about until I start writing. And even then, it might not happen until I start editing. So procrastinating until the last minute disallows me from accessing the deeper stuff, which usually requires a pause after the first draft, especially for the more personal pieces. An inefficient process, and one I hope to streamline, but it has worked thus far.
Couple things about this one. First, write when you can write. Take the time to take care of yourself! As much as we love reading these things, that’s the most important thing.
Secondly, Joe Jackson is the bomb. I have a special place in my heart for him and his music. He and Elvis Costello were the first pop songwriter types that I gravitated towards after when I started to grow out of my initial 70s hard rock phase like deep purple etc, when I was a kid. I think I listened to the Look Sharp album about 100× one year. It was just a constant companion.
Thanks again, I will read these great posts when they arrive in my mailbox!
Thanks Peter for the kind words. Yeah, Joe Jackson and EC are both hugely influential to me. I was quite late to the Costello train, which I wrote about, but JJ I jumped on a bit earlier. It was Night and Day, and his videos on MTV that first got me. Then I went back and found his early LPs. I still play Look Sharp at least a dozen or more times a year. A constant companion for me as well. Still is. And tremendous live performer.