Thank you for writing this, Steve; your Nana Muriel sounds like a wonderful person. It's a lovely piece on an important subject many of us work hard to avoid. Having lost both of my parents relatively young (49 and 65) to cancer and others close to me over the years, I've observed that it doesn't get any easier in some ways, but we can approach it with more compassion for the dying and for ourselves.
When I taught developmental psychology, I used several videos from Caitlin Doughty's Ask a Mortician YouTube channel (https://www.youtube.com/@AskAMortician) for the dying and death chapter. Interested people might want to check the Death Café site (https://deathcafe.com/) for meetings near them, too.
Thanks, Jackie. An early draft of my piece explored the oddity of walking through my neighborhood and seeing front lawns adorned with cheap plastic tombstones and skeletons poking up from the soil. We can decorate with death, we can joke about it, but we can't talk about it openly and honestly with genuine depth. Ultimately that was a topic that would have led me down an extra 1000 words, so I left it out. Perhaps a part 2!
I'll check out the Caitlin Doughty channel for sure. I have contemplated a local Death Cafe, but for now, I've got enough death talk on my docket! My wife can't wait for this class to be over, she calls me Debbie Death Downer.
Oh yes, I would very much like to see that Part 2 some day. Sorry to have potentially added to your wife's discomfort ... I guess his and hers "Future Corpse" T-shirts are right out as a gift possibility this year. ;-)
I haven't attended a Death Café myself yet. I keep telling myself it's because I live in a region where Día de los Muertos is a thing and it isn't for me, but ...
Thanks for this wonderfully written and thought provoking article Steve; it reminded me how woefully unprepared I was for my mom’s death. She passed away five years ago last month after a short battle with cancer. But I’ll be eternally grateful for a bit of synchronicity I was gifted with during the final week of her life that afforded me an extremely meaningful moment with my mom.
I was really struggling emotionally in the latter stages of her illness and I reached out to a therapist through my company’s employee assistance program. The gentleman I ended up meeting with had lost his father to brain cancer when he was younger and he gave me an invaluable piece of advice.
He told me that many people with terminal illness struggle with the guilt of leaving loved ones behind. Based on his advice, when I was with her the following evening, I told my mom how privileged I felt to be her son and I let her know how much I loved her and appreciated all that she’d done for me and for all our family. I told her that that my sister and I would take care of our dad and of each other and, most importantly, that when she was ready to go, she could do so knowing that, although it would be hard for us, we’d all be okay.
I’ll never forget the look that came into her eyes, a mixture of love, gratitude, relief, and peace. Two days later she went into hospice where she passed away the following day. The gift I received, of closure and of nothing left unsaid, and the peace my mom received, a salve for the guilt she’d been carrying, are beyond compare. And I’ve carried a mantra forward since then: leave nothing unsaid and let the people you love know that you love them.
We don’t talk about death enough as a society. We don’t learn the language for it and we aren’t given the tools to cope with its approach, arrival, and aftermath. And we’re all worse off as a result. My dad’s 81 now and doing well. But despite losing mom, I’m still not prepared for his death. So thanks for that book recommendation, I’ll definitely give it a read.
I so appreciate this, Mark. It's amazing that you found a supportive therapist to help you during that difficult time. I lost my sister five years ago and didn't get to tell her all the things I wanted to before she passed. A big reason I'm taking this class and have been working to break through generational avoidance of death is so I can be as present and supportive as possible when the time comes that other family, friends, or my own death is nearing. Great mantra -- it's so hard to speak the words in your head through a giant lump in the throat, but it is possible.
I was so blessed that of the eight therapists available to me, I was assigned to the one that had direct experience of a parent passing away. Everything happens for a reason
The other Jim Carroll Band album I would strongly recommend is Dry Dreams. I love it just as much as Catholic Boy. My favorite tracks on it are "Them" and "Lorraine." I Write Your Name is a very good album, but a notch below the other two in my opinion. I also love the lyrics Jim wrote for Blue Oyster Cult's "Perfect Water." Many of the names in "People Who Died" are real people Jim mentions in his book The Basketball Diaries. Also, I completely agree about “No Hard Feelings" by the Avett Brothers - such a moving song.
Thanks Matt. I will definitely check out Dry Dreams. In putting this together I found several interviews with Carroll online and he was so open and honest and real. But with the sense of attitude that permeated his music.
I love your writing, as always. The course you’re doing sounds interesting, informative and healing. I celebrate pieces like this one because despite the obviously sad circumstances surrounding death and losing loved ones, it’s something we all will have to face sooner or later!
Thanks, Andres! It was one of the harder pieces to write, as I had so much more to say and edited out about as much as I left in! Being raised in a family that didn't talk about death in any serious fashion, I really wanted to change that for myself. It's a life-long journey, for sure!
I wanted to say that this post was intended to go live on Day of the Dead, but I had major writer's block and was not happy with how it was turning out. It was twice as long as it is now and included a couple of other sections on other big deaths in my life. I’m glad I waited, but it’s still not put together how I wanted. Trying to be friends with good enough.
"As their only living child, I’ll likely become intimately involved in their care in the not-too-distant future."
Same here. It's only my mom, but it's still...a lot. Why didn't anyone tell us about this part? Why didn't anyone tell them about the need to prepare for the time between retirement and death?
Yep. I could go on and on with this topic (and probably will in future posts!), and it's a big reason why I took that Befriending Death class. I've been learning by being thrown into the fire with regards to my aunt, so I feel a bit more weaponized (hate to use that word but it's apt) for handling my parents.
Thank you for writing this, Steve; your Nana Muriel sounds like a wonderful person. It's a lovely piece on an important subject many of us work hard to avoid. Having lost both of my parents relatively young (49 and 65) to cancer and others close to me over the years, I've observed that it doesn't get any easier in some ways, but we can approach it with more compassion for the dying and for ourselves.
When I taught developmental psychology, I used several videos from Caitlin Doughty's Ask a Mortician YouTube channel (https://www.youtube.com/@AskAMortician) for the dying and death chapter. Interested people might want to check the Death Café site (https://deathcafe.com/) for meetings near them, too.
Thanks, Jackie. An early draft of my piece explored the oddity of walking through my neighborhood and seeing front lawns adorned with cheap plastic tombstones and skeletons poking up from the soil. We can decorate with death, we can joke about it, but we can't talk about it openly and honestly with genuine depth. Ultimately that was a topic that would have led me down an extra 1000 words, so I left it out. Perhaps a part 2!
I'll check out the Caitlin Doughty channel for sure. I have contemplated a local Death Cafe, but for now, I've got enough death talk on my docket! My wife can't wait for this class to be over, she calls me Debbie Death Downer.
Oh yes, I would very much like to see that Part 2 some day. Sorry to have potentially added to your wife's discomfort ... I guess his and hers "Future Corpse" T-shirts are right out as a gift possibility this year. ;-)
I haven't attended a Death Café myself yet. I keep telling myself it's because I live in a region where Día de los Muertos is a thing and it isn't for me, but ...
Thanks for this wonderfully written and thought provoking article Steve; it reminded me how woefully unprepared I was for my mom’s death. She passed away five years ago last month after a short battle with cancer. But I’ll be eternally grateful for a bit of synchronicity I was gifted with during the final week of her life that afforded me an extremely meaningful moment with my mom.
I was really struggling emotionally in the latter stages of her illness and I reached out to a therapist through my company’s employee assistance program. The gentleman I ended up meeting with had lost his father to brain cancer when he was younger and he gave me an invaluable piece of advice.
He told me that many people with terminal illness struggle with the guilt of leaving loved ones behind. Based on his advice, when I was with her the following evening, I told my mom how privileged I felt to be her son and I let her know how much I loved her and appreciated all that she’d done for me and for all our family. I told her that that my sister and I would take care of our dad and of each other and, most importantly, that when she was ready to go, she could do so knowing that, although it would be hard for us, we’d all be okay.
I’ll never forget the look that came into her eyes, a mixture of love, gratitude, relief, and peace. Two days later she went into hospice where she passed away the following day. The gift I received, of closure and of nothing left unsaid, and the peace my mom received, a salve for the guilt she’d been carrying, are beyond compare. And I’ve carried a mantra forward since then: leave nothing unsaid and let the people you love know that you love them.
We don’t talk about death enough as a society. We don’t learn the language for it and we aren’t given the tools to cope with its approach, arrival, and aftermath. And we’re all worse off as a result. My dad’s 81 now and doing well. But despite losing mom, I’m still not prepared for his death. So thanks for that book recommendation, I’ll definitely give it a read.
I so appreciate this, Mark. It's amazing that you found a supportive therapist to help you during that difficult time. I lost my sister five years ago and didn't get to tell her all the things I wanted to before she passed. A big reason I'm taking this class and have been working to break through generational avoidance of death is so I can be as present and supportive as possible when the time comes that other family, friends, or my own death is nearing. Great mantra -- it's so hard to speak the words in your head through a giant lump in the throat, but it is possible.
I was so blessed that of the eight therapists available to me, I was assigned to the one that had direct experience of a parent passing away. Everything happens for a reason
Nice article Steve. Insightful, as always. And a weird bit of synchronicity, as I just posted this: https://zapatosjam.substack.com/p/he-told-me-just-to-take-my-time You'll know two of these songs for sure. See you this evening!
The other Jim Carroll Band album I would strongly recommend is Dry Dreams. I love it just as much as Catholic Boy. My favorite tracks on it are "Them" and "Lorraine." I Write Your Name is a very good album, but a notch below the other two in my opinion. I also love the lyrics Jim wrote for Blue Oyster Cult's "Perfect Water." Many of the names in "People Who Died" are real people Jim mentions in his book The Basketball Diaries. Also, I completely agree about “No Hard Feelings" by the Avett Brothers - such a moving song.
Thanks Matt. I will definitely check out Dry Dreams. In putting this together I found several interviews with Carroll online and he was so open and honest and real. But with the sense of attitude that permeated his music.
I love your writing, as always. The course you’re doing sounds interesting, informative and healing. I celebrate pieces like this one because despite the obviously sad circumstances surrounding death and losing loved ones, it’s something we all will have to face sooner or later!
Thanks, Andres! It was one of the harder pieces to write, as I had so much more to say and edited out about as much as I left in! Being raised in a family that didn't talk about death in any serious fashion, I really wanted to change that for myself. It's a life-long journey, for sure!
I wanted to say that this post was intended to go live on Day of the Dead, but I had major writer's block and was not happy with how it was turning out. It was twice as long as it is now and included a couple of other sections on other big deaths in my life. I’m glad I waited, but it’s still not put together how I wanted. Trying to be friends with good enough.
"As their only living child, I’ll likely become intimately involved in their care in the not-too-distant future."
Same here. It's only my mom, but it's still...a lot. Why didn't anyone tell us about this part? Why didn't anyone tell them about the need to prepare for the time between retirement and death?
Yep. I could go on and on with this topic (and probably will in future posts!), and it's a big reason why I took that Befriending Death class. I've been learning by being thrown into the fire with regards to my aunt, so I feel a bit more weaponized (hate to use that word but it's apt) for handling my parents.