TWEET:🐥 Sammy Hagar -There's Only One Way To Rock

Is Sammy Hagar right? Or does he have a lack of imagination? Read along as I break it all down and come to a definitive answer.

The key to singin’ the rock n’ roll is to use a lot of tongue and chew gum. And wear lots of red.

I get it. Having too many choices can be overwhelming.

I’m embarrassed to admit how many hours of precious existence I have wasted staring at the hundreds of breakfast cereal options at the supermarket. Which ones offer a buy-one-get-one-at-50%-off coupon? How special is Special K? Is it worth 7.99 and an entire afternoon in a carb coma to get the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Just buy the granola like it says on your shopping list, Steve.

Though when it comes to rocking, I never — not once — ever thought, “You’re doing it too many ways! The whole swaying to and fro white man’s overbite foot stomping thing is messy and confusing. Narrow it down to one comprehensible rocking form!”

I never mentioned this in my recent TWEET post about Quiet Riot, but I once pulled a neck muscle from excessive head-banging.

It happened more than twenty years ago, yet the shame is as strong as if it occurred this morning. Was it the result of incorrect rocking?

Should I have listened to Sammy Hagar all those years ago when he advised young, naive metal-heads like myself to keep our rocking to a single action?

When Sammy Hagar released his 1981 album Standing Hampton, I was a high-school freshman with a mullet and unfortunate facial hair. Sammy was still a legit rock star; he hadn’t been invited to ruin Van Halen yet.

When I bought Standing Hampton for 7.99 at Sam Goody that summer, I had no idea that the title was Cockney slang for “erection.” I think I only learned this a few years ago. If I’d caught the reference back then I would have likely laughed my ass off ‘cause I was 15.

But coming from a 34-year-old rock star, it seems more than a bit juvenile. Just seven years earlier, as a member of mid-’70s hard-rock band Montrose, Hagar would pay tribute to his manhood with the far more poetic and detail-oriented “Rock Candy.”

You're rock candy baby
You're hard, sweet and sticky

Had Hagar regressed from Shakespearean-esque poetry to British bathroom stall scribblings? And if so, how could I truly believe there was only one way to rock?

I can see now how I might have been confused by the man who once penned a generational anthem on the seriously uncool impression a young person would impart by driving 55 miles per hour (or slower) as posted on highway speed limit signage.

While scouring the lyrics to “There’s Only One Way To Rock,” I discovered that Sammy never reveals what that one way of rocking is.

How are we supposed to rock properly if you don’t tell us what the right way is?

Perhaps I’m simply too daft to see the answer.

Let’s break it down.

I've heard it called by different names
All over the world, but it's all the same
Now there's so many ways to make love
A million ways I been thinking of

But there's only one way
There's only one way to rock, yeah

So many things can get you high
I'm gonna try 'em all just once before I die
And you can analyze this situation
To me it's all just mental masturbation

Okay. So in the first verse, when Sammy says that he’s heard “it” called by different names, we assume he’s referring to “rock” or the “act of rocking.” Then seemingly out of nowhere, he mentions knowledge of a million ways to make love; so is the “it” in the first line, sex? Is Hagar using sex as a metaphor for rocking? If so, what a bold, literary choice!

But then, in the (roughly) 6-word chorus that follows, Sammy tells us that there’s only one way to rock. So sex does not equal rocking after all! Rocking is rocking.

Then, in the 2nd verse, after Sammy explains his openness to trying all the drugs that have ever been made, at least once before he dies — he pulls off something masterful. As if expecting people (like me) to over-analyze this situation, he calls us out, waving us off as mental masturbators. Again, not a metaphor.

Now quickly, check the hands on the clock
It's 8:05, it's time to rock

And this world can disagree
They don't understand how it can be
And it's not my point of view
It's a fact and you know that it's true, huh, oh yeah

There's only one way
There's only one way to rock
There's only one way
There's only one way to rock, yeah

After a repeat of the chorus, an unexpected bridge has Sammy reminding us to check the clock, cause it’s 8:05 and time to rock. For those not part of the rocking culture, 8:05 is widely believed to be the rockingest time of the day. To rock earlier or later than five minutes after eight is considered a serious rocking faux pas. Unfortunately, people are still unsure whether Sammy meant AM or PM.

Verse 3 might be the most important of all the verses.

Here’s where Sammy acknowledges that the world may disagree on the number of ways there are to rock, but proves evidence to the single method by stating that “it’s a fact, and you know that it’s true.” It’s kind of hard to argue with facts.

Then we have the chorus again, but this time doubled, to add emphasis on the song’s thesis.

My favorite of the song’s lyrics comes next. They remind me of a young Bob Dylan in their timeless message:

Crank up the drums, crank out the bass
Crank up my Les Paul in your face, yeah

I think the words speak for themselves. I’m not sure I can break them down any better than that.

The song continues with another minute and a half of Sammy and his stellar backing band insistently chanting a dozen more times that there’s only one way to rock.

That would seem to be plenty of time to actually explain to us dumb dumbs what that one way to rock actually is!

But he never does.

Do I feel misled? Lied to?

A little. But more than that I feel manipulated.

And that’s when it hit me like a Les Paul in my face.

The one way to rock is the way I’ve already been rocking my entire life.

Sammy Hagar, you are a motherfucking genius.

• I fully expect only a small number of you to know this song, but I’m hoping that, even so, you still got a bit of a chuckle reading this earworm exploration.

• Any Sammy Hagar fans wanna step up and support the Red Rocker? Any post-Roth Van Halen fans wanna argue the case for Van Hagar?

• I hope my legit love for Mr. Hagar comes through all the teasing. He’s a controversial figure, but he’s got amazing hair and is the only person I know who can get away with naming a bar Cabo Wabo Cantina. Going to have a margarita there at the Cabo San Lucas location is on my bucket list.

  Thanks for reading - you rock!

  Steve